| shit. |
[Aug. 10th, 2007|08:24 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  crazy | ] |
shit. shit. SHIT.
okay. so many of you don't know what's been going on with me lately. I think the last time I posted, I was convinced that I was falling head over heels for Andy. I guess there's some truth to that. but it's one of those things where when you take a few steps back and look at it from a distance, you realize that maybe it's not as it seems. we're still friends. he's my boy for life, and I don't know what I'd do without him. however...I gave up on trying to win him over (actually, it turns out he felt the same way...oh well), and it's turned out for the best.
I'm still working at Tractors. even after a countless number of times that I've said I'll quit within the month, I never do. I love it. always will. even though some of the people who come in regularly SUCK...haha. acutally, my grandfather offered me a job working for Century21 as a secretary/web designer. and eventually (if I want to) he'll pay for me to get my real-estate license. that's cool, right? right.
as for friends...a lot of people have come and gone. I've made good friends, I've lost friends. some of them I haven't really MINDED losing. like that Rose girl. Brit just got bailed out of jail for theft. silly girl. hope everything works out for her. but only a few have managed to stick around and become a permanent part of my life. like Mackey, Becky, Andrew, Tim, Jona, Caleb, Tater, DEREK. ♥ . my Derek. I waited a YEAR after moving here before I found someone worthy. someone who makes my heart stop and start all over again. someone who makes me smile. I don't remember having so much fun in a relationship. and even though I'm trying not to look too far forward...I'd like to think this will last a while. hopefully.
family. they're all doing awesome. my mom's business is picking up. everyone has to go back to school soon...like, next Thursday soon. but they are all looking forward to it. I think.
it's an exciting time of year. fall's right around the corner, then winter (SNOW! AH!)...Christmas...it's ALL right there, squeezed into a couple of months. I love this time of year. I feel like we're all starting over. we've been here for a year now. and it's been a year full of surprises, heart aches, smiles, births, deaths...so much to learn.
as for very RECENT surprises...oh boy. I got my period two weeks early...due to antibiotics. and I'm on the pill. and anyone on the pill should know that antibiotics lower the effectiveness of the pill to 75%. so. I started getting sick. all the time. and my boobs got bigger. and I said, fuck it....let's take a pregnancy test. and it was POSITIVE. right there, in plain english, it said "PREGNANT". and right there, in plain english, I said "FUCK". sped to the health care clinic. spent forty bucks on a BLOOD test (urine tests are shit).
and I'm NOT PREGNANT.
I cried.
I have never been so stressed in my entire life. I haven't slept for days. I haven't eaten anything. I've been drinking and smoking up a storm hoping to kill the alien thing I was SO sure was inside of me. and I know that sounds really bad. but I didn't care.
and speaking of babies. my friend/manager Lindsay had a BEAUTIFUL baby boy named Paxton Matthew Meyer on August 6th. I'm so happy for her. I don't understand how something so amazing to one person (her) can seem like a curse to another (me). oh well.
anyway. I think that's about it. more to come. maybe. |
|
|
| you know... |
[Jun. 23rd, 2007|07:15 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | like I'm falling in LOVE | ] |
how in those teen movies, whenever that guy gets a date with that girl.
and he jumps into the air.
and pumps his fists.
and screams "YES!"
that's what I feel like doing.
...plus grabbing the nearest pillow and screaming into it at the top of my lungs
...and giggling till it hurts
...and maybe, like, ten backflips
boy.
what have you done to me? |
|
|
| it seems |
[May. 6th, 2007|03:22 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  crushed | ] |
like everything I've been through these past five or six months has all come to nothing.
I've built up something that never existed.
and that non-existing SOMETHING is crumbling before my eyes...if that's even possible. how can you not have something you've never had in the first place?
in plain English...I'm having a major reality check.
I don't want him to go. |
|
|
| so |
[Apr. 5th, 2007|03:29 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  confused | ] |
Jacob is coming back today.
Yay..
!
Then Mandy tomorrow..
Yes..
!
And..I just need to get over it, grab you and make you kiss me.
And then I'd wake up.
Sheesh.
(Not Mandy.) |
|
|
| hm. |
[Apr. 4th, 2007|06:12 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  horny | ] |
close.
(REALLY REALLY CLOSE)
but no cigar.
I need to get out of this godforsaken town and live it up for a week back home. And I need to get laid. Any takers?
p.s. Jason I can see you raising your hand...:) |
|
|
| untitled |
[Mar. 12th, 2007|08:25 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | crushed | ] |
I constantly find myself with the urge to write.
But I can never bring myself to do it.
Maybe I need to talk. I've been looking forward to things that haven't been happening, I need someone to understand what I'm going through. To understand where I'm coming from and tell me "Dude, just fuck it. Who fucking cares?"
I need a hug, and friend to lean on, because the only one that I really talk to anymore is, well...the one I'm having issues with.
I've put too much effort into a dream. No reality to it at all. I think in some way, it's my fault. Once things started to go in a certian way that I didn't approve of, I kind of dumped everything, went into the extreme opposite direction. Now I'm regretting my actions, and I'm starting to think that it's too late to start over. IT SUCKS. I gave up too fast...or I held on for too long, either one, and I don't know which.
Oh well, things happen for a reason right? Maybe? No?
(By the way...I've seen her...heard the way she is. She must be spectacular. To be where she is...I'd pay) |
|
|
| crap |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|03:05 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  pissed off | ] |
So, Jason sent me a text at four in the flippin' morning, saying "I love you. And it took a lot to say it."
What, a lot of beer?
Should I be proud of you? Give you a fuckin' pat on the back?
Trust me, it's no great feat. I've been telling you I love you from day one, continuing to do so after you slept with me then decided after, that "things weren't working out".
After you slept with who knows how many skanks, then came back to use me for more.
After you openly disscussed your sex-capades with me (even AFTER I asked you NOT to), after you treated me like shit, told me that you didn't want to get back with me because "I can't let my fans down and tell them that I'm not single anymore", after you turned me down when I offered to work things out when I moved ("No, I don't think I can commit to something like that."), after you continue to rudely answer your phone and say "What do you want?" when I call you...after all that, I tell you in every letter, every phone call, every e-mail, that I love you, and I never get a response.
Well...I used to. I've since gotten over you, gotten over what we had, found something better.
You don't deserve me.
And I don't deserve this. How dare you think you have the right to come at me with this? It took you a lot? Um. Okay.
You wanna know how much it took for me to not cry every night that you ignored me? And to still tell you I loved you after?
Fuck off Jason. |
|
|
| Update on my once Interesting Life. |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|11:48 am] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  determined | ] |
Nothing really out of the ordinary. I stopped talking to that one girl...you know, the one who everyone hates and can't seem to be honest enough to tell her to her face. The leech. Yea. I know that it was a good decision on my part, but I can't seem to find enough things to fill out my day like I did when I was hanging out with her. When she was willing to go 45 minutes out of her way to take me to Johnny Jr.'s...yea. I feel bad.
I stopped talking to Jason, too. Thank God. It was hard, when you have someone be a part of your life for that long and then just dissapear, you try to hold onto it anyway you can. Not the relationship, but the friendship. Besides, when I called him he was always a jerk. Always really rude. (And by the way, if you're reading this Jay, don't you get all sour and act like you didn't do anything. You know you're an asshole, I told you once before, and I'll tell you again. Asshole.)
Good Riddance. :)
Anyway, I still work at Tractors. Yee-Haw. I make...okay money. Not the best but enough for me to (hopefully) buy a car and move out by summer. Or maybe I'll take that trip to California with Andrew...if he doesn't back out. :) He'd be the only one I'd want to go with, anyone else would be a drag.
I'm still sick. Yea, have been for three days now and my nose is starting to turn all red and flaky from rubbing it so much. My throat has that itchy sandpaper feeling and my eyes are bugging out. Lovely, I know.
Valentines Day is tomorrow and I can't help but feel like a loser because for the first time in five years, I don't have a Valentine to call my own. I could, but I just don't fuckin' feel like it this year. Or so I thought. Then I see all these advertisments on the Internet, television, on the Town Square ("Does your daughter have a bigger diamond than your wife?! Fix it this Valentines Day!!")..and I start to feel...what...lonely? I shouldn't...I'm surrounded by people I love, and who love me. I guess it's just the emphasis people seem to put on this ONE DAY. That ONE flippin' day where if you don't go all out with the roses, candy, diamonds and cards, your relationship is over. It's stupid. I guess I should be lucky to not have a Valentine. Ugh.
Or maybe I'm just bitter and jealous.
Besides that, I'm doing fine.
Let's see....anything else...hm...nope. I think that about covers it for now.
Oh yea.
I think I'm falling in love. |
|
|
| so |
[Feb. 4th, 2007|09:56 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | curious | ] |
to keep a friend
or to love a friend.
that is the question.
whether tis nobler...
to hold onto this unbelievable connection
i have found.
or to take a chance at ruining it
by taking things further.
help. |
|
|
| so |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|10:46 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
I still hold the same opinion of you as before and BELOW.
I feel like I'm walking on eggshells.
it's too perfect.
you're too perfect.
you're...fuck...amazing!
ah.
I think that I've deserved this for a long time.
to feel right with someone.
and to feel right with that something you have with them.
there are no hangups.
no lies.
no confusion.
I wish it would last forever. |
|
|
| you're |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|10:55 pm] |
absolutely amazing.
(for the moment.)
but i think...
maybe...
my opinions of you
(as of now)
will last forever.
you make me forget everything
that's...bad.
and make me see everything
that's...right.
and i keep falling.
deeper.
and deeper.
in...
i don't really know yet. |
|
|
| an update |
[Nov. 25th, 2006|03:34 am] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | crazy | ] |
so.
i'm sitting here in Mackeys, with some of the best people in town.
and i've suddenly realized that my life has gotten...considerably BETTER in the last few weeks.
give or take a few bad days here and there.
but for the most part, i'm happy with where i am in my life right now.
and i'm enjoying the shit out of it.
not literally.
yea.
that's it. |
|
|
| wow |
[Nov. 7th, 2006|05:33 am] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | amused | ] |
it seems like Jamie's argument free World has been bombed by yet the same asshole.
check this shit out...start from bottom.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I don't miss the TV much
Date: Nov 6 2006 9:29 PM
deal.
but you know what i meant mooch.
cyaaaaa
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jamiebear
Date: Nov 7 2006 1:20 AM
Okay, I'll promise never again to ask them to pick my ass.
Ever.
Bye Bye now, Joey.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I don't miss the TV much
Date: Nov 6 2006 9:18 PM
ok.
then don't beg them to pick your ass either.
you can pay for gas you know?
i never wanted you to like me, again. hahaha
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jamiebear
Date: Nov 7 2006 1:13 AM
I'm over the FIGHT.
That doesn't mean I like YOU now.
And...if you paid a little more attention to what you were reading...you would have noticed the date on the entry, which was a day or two after the argument.
If it really makes you THAT uncomfortable...I'll do you a BIG favor, and remove it.
One more thing...tell the "Jacksons" to keep my name out of their mouths. It has no business there.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I don't miss the TV much
Date: Nov 6 2006 9:06 PM
nah, i was told by the jacksons.
i thought you said you were over it?
we see each other, we have the same friends.
why don't you drop it like you said?
the message was directed towards me, was it not?
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: jamiebear
Date: Nov 7 2006 1:00 AM
I'm extremely flattered that you take the time to read my blogs.
Thank you.
----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: I don't miss the TV much
Date: Nov 6 2006 8:51 PM
hahahaha did you wite a pity blog about me?
haaaaaaaaaaaaaa |
|
|
| fuck |
[Nov. 1st, 2006|09:44 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | aggravated | ] |
so today before I left work, my manager called me to come and talk to her.
we sit down.
and she says "so how do you feel about everything, is it going okay?"
yea, that's the opening line to a conversation that's NOT going to go my way.
I just knew it.
so I acted dumb like I didn't know what was coming and said "yea, everything's going okay, Im getting the hang of things and I feel confident."
"well, I've been noticing that youre having some trouble...with your side work, and you get a little tense sometimes, almost panicky."
"um, well, gee you guys give me like, 12 tables at one time, sure I'm going to be a little crazy at first, but only till I get the salads out, I'm fine after that."
"oh well youre going to have to loosen up and try not to concentrate as hard, I got a complaint today that youre not very friendly and I think its because you're a little too serious sometimes when taking orders."
"so you don't want me to be serious? okay..."
"well of course we do, just not to the point where its blocking your people skills."
I laugh.
I say "okay. sure."
"and try to consolidate, bus your tables frequently so you get your tables and sidework done faster."
OH MY FUCKING JEEZ, THE ONLY FUCKING REASON I GET MY SIDEWORK DONE SO SLOW IS BECAUSE ALL OF THE CUNTS WHO LEAVE EARLY LEAVE SOME OF THEIR EXTRA WORK FOR ME TO DO, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT IDIOT!
I swear, Im quitting within the next month, I can't take this bull shit anymore. it's not even worth it, fucking $200 in sales today and I make $14 in tips, that's not even fucking 7%, it's BULLSHIT% that's what it is.
FUCK.
I'm so mad right now.
I'm going to put a bomb in that lady's food next time she comes in, fucking bitch complained that I wasnt FRIENDLY.
why, because I didn't RUN to the table when you wanted something? stupid ass.
goodness, I agree with Jimmy, every fucking person in the U.S. should be required to work in a resturant at least 6 months, so everyone knows how much waitresses and cooks bust their fucking asses off, and not to mention for shitty tips.
ignorant cunt.
okay.
I think I'm done. |
|
|
| wow |
[Oct. 30th, 2006|07:08 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | sad | ] |
it starts off with a little courtesy contact:
"fuck every other person on this page because i love you more"
i get really excited because i think that maybe my attempts to talk to you wont go ignored...again.
i get ignored...again.
then i get the courage to look at what youre up to.
and i see why im being constantly ignored.
you have girls up the ass..throwing themselves at you.
what do they have that i dont?
a willingness to do whatever it is you ask of them?
why do i always fool myself into thinking that theres a chance for us to work out?
we never will. i dont get why that wont register in my brain.
i love you so much..i cant stop.
and im only hurting myself by continuing to do so.
i dont know how to stop.
maybe its not such a good idea to visit you in December after all...
maybe i should just stop talking to you period.
fuck.
i dont know what to do anymore. |
|
|
| :) |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|02:54 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  blah | ] |
p.s.
I miss YOU too Jason.
why dont you call me, stupid-head? |
|
|
| "my but we learn so slow" |
[Oct. 12th, 2006|02:48 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| |  anxious | ] |
"why do we give up our hearts to the past?"-The Eagles.
i have no clue.
still going strong.
still doing good.
still staying away from you.
!
i get to see him today.
i miss you Christopher Humpalot. |
|
|
| this weekend |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|03:20 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | happy | ] |
was a crazy one.
quite an enlightening experience.
you gave me the opportunity to
see you in your true colors.
i've finally realized that you are
NOT right for me...or anyone else for that matter.
so thank you.
besides that, i have a job now at Tractors. i love it.
im in the roster for the next semester at Trend Setters.
and life is great. |
|
|
| im |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|01:49 pm] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | cynical | ] |
..one step closer to being just where i want to be.
meet me in the middle. |
|
|
| realizations |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|01:20 am] |
| [ | I Feel... |
| | anxious | ] |
i think ive accepted the fact that
not everything i want
can eventually become mine.
just maybe. |
|
|
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